So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
