my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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