Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
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