tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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