hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
