There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
