she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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