sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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