Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
