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• (516): View more from New York

  Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg

  (410): View more from Maryland

  Omg suz!! take the unibrow off

  (516): View more from New York

  No! im just getting hammered instead

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• (707): View more from California

  last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.

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• (915): View more from Texas

  I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.

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• (605): View more from South Dakota

  the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.

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• (646): View more from New York

  According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.

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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.

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• (857): View more from Massachusetts

  He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.

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• (515): View more from Iowa

  I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.

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• (+61): View more from Australia

  He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step

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• (315): View more from New York

  I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.

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• (832): View more from Houston, Texas

  I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.

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• (561): View more from Florida

  I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.

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• (403): View more from Alberta, CA

  He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.

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• (303): View more from Colorado

  That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.

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