Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
