well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
