I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
Randomize
