Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
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