you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Randomize
