I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
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