I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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