y did u give ur computer a hand job?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
The last thing I remember is pushing my way into the bathroom and dumping a 40 on him. We havent talked since.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
