Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
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