he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
