Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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