This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
