I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
