Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
