A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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