My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
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