I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
high people should be assigned attendants
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
