im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
