Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
