I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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