I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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