Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i love accidental penises.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
