I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
