he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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