true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize