I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
