i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
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