If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize