these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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