At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
So much Jack, so little girl.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
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