He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
