mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
