Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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