dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
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