I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
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