Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
