Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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