I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
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