Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
