1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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