tell your sister to shave her snatch
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
