I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
