When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
