it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
