Just fell off a train. Bad.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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