I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
