your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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