i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
