I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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