that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
